Broken

#dd if=/dev/brain of=blogg

It's now going on almost three years since my anxiety disorder first entered my life uninvited and about six months since I last slept properly, not feeling like I'd only had a few hours sleep.

Now marriage is on the horizon and life is getting twenty times busier, what with what feels like a one and only chance to recertify and upskill.

Finances are causing untold stress as well, which puts more pressure on me for the above reasons and future plans (read: family).

Sadly, I can only see realism and logic, 1's and 0's, if then else. This can and regularly does get perceived as negative, not very helpful to my cause.

My way of thinking probably isn't normal, but what is? More importantly, why should I change that if that is who I am?

I'm now at a point where my relationship with the fiancée is stretched to the point of breaking, like a rubber band that keeps stretching, but amazingly hasn't broken. Yet.

I can see part of my father in the way I do certain things, which scares the heck out of me, because I do not want to be like him. I want to be me, and I most certainly don't want to be encumbered by the same physical and/or psychological issues he portpotedly has.

I am so tired, both literally and figuratively and I am finding it very difficult to continue on this 'do until' or 'do while' life.

I'm also very disappointed in myself, for not getting the career on track earlier in my life.

I'm also frustrated that all my hard work isn't recognised at all, that I forget so many simple things, nor can I focus at my job or my studies, adding more stress in getting ahead.

I am not seeking sympathy, but I am trying to find positivity at work and in my life, which just aren't anywhere to be seen.

More Battle Damage

This happened last night. Girlfriend accidentally clipped a bus ;_;







And here are a couple more the next day, before the car got towed away...






UPDATE 20/04/2010 @ 17:24
Quote is almost in, but in the meantime I have been told that it only front/side damage. Lucky for me there is no axle or chassis damage but there is some minor damage to the suspension. ETA 1-2 Weeks (depending on parts).


UPDATE 26/05/2010 @ 13:44
Repairer claims that job is almost finished and the vehicle is now at the mechanics. Still no ETA.


Current Mood: Exhausted

No more UNI

This morning I did my last exam. I *think* I have passed the unit and therefore the course, but until I receive a "course complete" notification, I'm not holding my breath. I will however start planning for my graduation gift for myself.

I now have job seeking and more study (for vendor certification) to look forward to *sigh*

My step-dad is getting more forgetful and even more pedantic over trivial matters too, of which he seems to get furious about more often. I need to start looking for my own place to live. now.


Current Mood: Disturbed

cooking made fun

I have re-discovered cooking and how much fun it can be*.

I managed to make 2 awesome supreme pizzas topped with:

• Capsicum
  
• Tomato
  
• Chilli
  
• Pepperoni
  
• Ham
  
• Bacon
  
• Anchovies
  
• Cheeses (Mozzarella/Cheddar/Parmesan)
  

I also learned how to make a customised Waldorf Salad (GF showed it to me) and a Beetroot Dip with Yoghurt and Mint.

I am also experimenting with potato bake's but I don't cook them very often because of the "nutritional value" of the meal :P

I regularly cook a 4-day supply of customised (low-cal) Ratatouille.


*Except with my step-dad, because he doesn't like to experiment when cooking something new for the first time (perhaps he is just old-fashioned), whereas I like to play around and be more impulsive and daring when cooking.


Current Mood: Happy

ramblings

I've finally changed my diet so that I am not only eating less, but also eating breakfast (cereal) in the mornings again and eating a light meal in the evening such as salads, with the exception of lunch because I never know where I will be during the day and I am forced to always buy my lunch (which isn't always a healthy choice due to lack of options or time).

I have failed to wash my car again. But I blame this computer repair job for that (see earlier post) :P

I want to buy another work shirt or two, a beach towel and maybe even a rug and/or beanbag for my room, but time will tell if I can get these before the weekend or not...

Also, I want to move out real bad. My step-dad is under the impression that I am depressed because of work (he has interpreted what I've told him as such), but I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm agitated with him interfering with my affairs (both directly and indirectly) and his attitude towards me living here as he has mentioned a second time that I "must do whatever he asks because I live in his house", which I don't think is fair considering my soon-to-become-even-busier life.

Oh and apparently there is a partial solar eclipse on Australia Day too?!


Current Mood: Irritated

Problems @ home

I had a huge argument with my stepdad this evening.

He wanted me to do some computer work for his friend, even though I told him that I will not do it, yet he went ahead and booked me in to do it anyway! ffs.

Now here I am gritting my teeth and wishing I had my own house already (this is because the argument involved him mentioning that I can move out if I don't like his decisions blah blah blah).

I have been contemplating moving into a rental place for some time now until I can buy my own house, but I don't want to to move again.

I don't understand how he thinks that I have tonnes of free time on my hands (which is quite obviously not the case) and that I can be manipulated just because I live in his house?! It's really quite frustrating.

His recent negative Christmas attitude and predispositions on everything is really starting to affect me in a negative way too...

Also, things at work aren't so crash hot and a change of job may happen in the near future.


Current Mood: Frustrated

Happy Hogswatch

That time of the year has come again, where we all get drunk merry and eat too much :P

My thoughts go out to all my friends (and random readers) in the hope that they have an enjoyable - or at least nice- christmas and a happy, if not content new year.

also, HAPPY HOGSWATCH!

Current Mood: Cheerful

Emotions

Lately I have been very positive and happy, but today I'm feeling a little down. Which I find strange since I was fine last night (I was actually in a really good mood from dinner and a movie with a big group of friends) and today, but I'm slightly depressed (again).

Today, after doing washing and ironing and other stuff around the house, I watched a bunch of shows that I have been saving since just before UNI exams, and I think it's either that, or remembering about my mom's death (or both) that has triggered it.

I hope to blog about something a little nicer next time.

Current Mood: Sad

newnewnew

I have a new Job, new (near new anyway) car and a new Phone. The only thing lacking now is a house and GF

But Just when I though everything was going smoothly and according to plan...

The new car decided to leak oilz, but I have new car warranty (as well as dealer warranty) so it should cost me $0

Damn cars. This is going to cost me my drinking sesh on Wednesday night as I have to get up early to drop the car off for (warranty) service. *sigh*

At least I have Saturday night (planned) to have drinks and food over at the Greenwood Hotel :)

aphd3l: This post should reminded me to bring Greenwood Pizza next time I come over...



Current Mood: Mildly Upset

Family Troubles

One of the family member is mentally ill. Although we (family) have known about it for quite some time, I decided to blog about the issue and the current situation while trying maintaining some anonymity.

The members of my family believe him to be either psychotic or just mentally unstable or something due to post-substance abuse. The reason I bring this up is the fact that I don't know what to do any more...

Previous incidents have cost allot of people money to bail him out (not necessarily out of jail, although I am unaware of any jail time incidents). And his friends and family have pretty much disowned him now, as I will try to explain below.

It has come to the point were he knows how to (smartly) get out of situations like being held in mental institutes (which I must add, he has been in very often), yet he continues to make the same mistakes over and over and recently has begun stealing off of friends and one other family member.

Due the the latest incident where he stole a family friends car (and money) and crashed it (which promoted me to write this post), has brought me to the conclusion that his mental health is deteriorating and that he has become a threat to society. I am also very angry that he did this not only to someone who was trying to help him out, but also to a good friend of mine.

No one trusts him now and (I think) he is at risk of being a homeless person. It seems immoral for us (family) to abandon him to let public services take care of the problem on a temporary reactive basis, but see no other choice...


Current Mood: Troubled.

This is a triumph...

On Saturday, my sister gave birth to a healthy little baby girl *awwww*.

Not only is she now a mother, but I am now officially an uncle (which is quite a scary thought - the uncle bit I mean :P)!

Christmas and new Year's Eve was boring - except for the post-boxing day friends gathering, which we went and saw AVP:R (which was supprisingly better than the first AVP), had an EXTREMELY late dinner and then went home (only to to play Portal :P )

I have booked my Sydney flights and accommodation and all I need to do now is find some more tourist stuff and then actually go there (PS: Don't expect any blog posts while I'm there!).

Current Mood: Neutral

Sydney

A spontaneous decision on my part, has created an opportunity for me to go to Sydney to see a band performance, bum around checking out the sites and generally spending money with another friend of mine...

I have not been outside of Western Australia (as far as I know) and I'm both excited and stressing about it both at the same time!

As far as work goes... we are supposed to be winding down but the amount of work that has to be done is quite the opposite :P
I got my small pieces of memorabilia (rock samples) from the two most historical underground mines in the history of Mt. Magnet :)

My sister is nearly due to have her baby too. She is hoping that it will be born a few days after New Years Day, but when it will actually be born is any one's guess...

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas to the few people that read this blog :)


Current Mood: Cheerful

Preperation for C-Day™

Maybe it's the fact that I am not religious or the fact that I treat this day like any other day of the year (1/365 standard earth days), but in preparation for C-Day™, I'm somehow getting depressed rather than excited for some reason...

Today I decided to kill some boredom with washing/cleaning a couple of the vehicles here at work, which I managed to do surprisingly quick too. Now I'm a bit bored again until I have to do the server maintenance in about ½ hour...

I keep putting it off, but I really should enrol for UNI next year, but I'm feeling a bit apathetic at the moment so I will do it some time in January.

Instead of writing anything else I'm going to just put another webcomic on here to take up the rest of this post :P


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Fitness

This morning I plotted out (and walked) a rather nice 4.6Km walk through as many scenic parts of Kingsley as I could and, while walking it I passed two Mormon's that tried (and failed) to stop me to talk to me about their religion. I just told them I wasn't interested and kept walking, however if they had stopped me I probably would have given them a lecture about my perception on religion, which is that I don't believe in any of them (no offence intended).

I think my fitness level is improving as I am not as tired and don't sweat nearly as much as I used to and I am down to 80Kg now :)

My step dad gets back today (I think) and that means that I will have to tidy up a bit (not that I made much mess anyhow).

As usual, some of the systems at work have decided to fail, and I am the only one that seems to know about it. I hate having to VPN into the work network to fix things on my (limited) break and while there's a 64K/s shaping on my broadband link...

I might go visit my favourite (only) sister this afternoon. She always seems to be in a cheerful mood somehow, but I still haven't figured out how she does it.

Current Mood: Discontent